The Top 10 Dos and Don’ts of Talking to Teens about Sex

Yesterday, I was on NBC’s LXtv, discussing teens and sex.  While this is often a touchy subject for parents to broach as it can be mixed with embarrassment, controversy, and confusion, it’s vital that parents are talking to their children about sex rather than allowing their kids to be schooled by their friends or the media.

What do parents need to know about talking to their kids about sex?

(1) Talk about it earlier than you might want: Research tells us that early sex may be related to increased delinquency later on. The link? Risky behavior. Just as you talk to your young teens about drugs and alcohol, talk to them about sex. Discussions about the body, the differences between boys and girls, and being proud and respectful of oneself, can start way before any discussion of sex is even broached.  Making it “normal” to talk about things related to the body, will make it easier for everyone to talk about sex when it feels like the right time.

(2) Don’t assume: Don’t assume that because they haven’t talked to you about it, or you haven’t talked to them about it, they’re not doing it.  About ¼ of girls and boys have had sex by age 15. Some research shows that children as young as 12 are engaging in sexual activity.

(3) Look out for cues: Ever hear, “All my friends are doing it?” What your teen may be trying to tell you is, “I’m thinking about having sex,” “I’m concerned about sex,” or “I’ve already had sex” and they want to discuss it. Children and teens may feel uncomfortable being blunt but still may hope you “catch on” to what they are trying to ask or tell you.

(4) Listen! Don’t cut the conversation off with “You’re too young to have sex.” While this may be your view, saying this off the bat can stifle the conversation and make it so your teen won’t want to talk to you– not just now– but in the future as well.  Ask questions, listen, and put the lecture and blanket statements to rest for a little while.

Don’t shut them out by telling them they’re too young to have sex, talk about sex, or think about sex. You will be missing a very important opportunity that can have great repercussions.

(5) Tell them your values: Be clear and honest about your views and expectations.  Make sure that you tell your teens how you feel about them having sex and what you would like them to do or not do if they are thinking about it. If you don’t tell them what you expect, they won’t know.  While many parents think that their children are not listening to them, often, they are.

(6) Let them know it’s OK to wait: There’s a lot of pressure out there to have sex. Pressure from peers—pressure from boyfriends/girlfriends, indirect pressure through the media, etc. It may look like everyone’s doing it—you need to tell them, it’s just not true.

(7) Talk about the What if? Discuss the contingency plan—just because you don’t want them to have sex, doesn’t mean they’re abiding by what you say. I know this is a tough reality that many parents don’t want to face. Again, be clear about your expectations and values, BUT if they’re going to have sex, what do you want them to know? Discuss how to be safe, how to draw boundaries, STDs, and legal issues or age of consent. Let them know you are available anytime, day or night, if things get out of hand.

(8) Talk again and again: Be patient and know that you’ll have to have many of these conversations! Just because you talk about it once, doesn’t mean you’re done. Most teens need time to think about things.  Questions come up over time—and repeated conversations underscore your views, the open communication and environment you’d like to provide, and multiple opportunities for discussion that teens often need when it comes to difficult topics.

(9) Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.” You don’t need to know all the answers. Look up the answers—or look them up together. Conversations can continue the next day or even a few days later when you do some research and find out the answer that puts your child’s confusion or question to rest.

(10) Be age-appropriate: When children ask questions, make sure you answer their question but don’t over-share. Keep it simple and allow the children to guide the conversation. Often, they just want to know the basics or even if they should be “in the know” when it comes to a specific term or issue. Other times, depending on your child’s temperament, curiosity level, exposure, or personality, s/he will need additional information.  Give them the age appropriate information they need—if you don’t, and they really want to know, they will get it from someone else!

Also, don’t be afraid to turn to some information from the web or some great age-appropriate books. There are some wonderful resources out there!

So go ahead..let’s talk about it. Wouldn’t you, or someone you trust, rather be the one who was giving your kids accurate information about these tough topics, instead of leaving it to someone else who may give inaccurate or dangerous information?

Think that because your teens aren’t talking to you about sex that they aren’t doing it? Research tells us that 1/4 of teens have sex by age 15, and some are having it as young as age 12.  While many parents are hoping that their teen is in the percentage of teens who aren’t “doing it,” it’s time for everyone to talk about it.  Let’s do it.  Let’s talk about sex.

In this clip, my colleague and good friend, Cooper Lawrence and I talk to host, Jane Hanson of NBC’s LXtv, about teens and sex…and what parents should do to open up this all important conversation.

I’m frustrated. Am I the only one? My child is only 1 years old and I’m already worried about her education. Our education system is looking more dismal.  We see the problems—we may even see some solutions—but we aren’t connecting the dots with actual support and change.

“School reform today is like a freight train, and I’m out on the tracks saying, ‘You’re going the wrong way!’” DIANE RAVITCH, education historian and a former assistant secretary of education.

In a landmark nationwide survey by Scholastic and the Bill/Melissa Gates Foundation, of 40,000 American teachers, teachers expressed that they did not feel students were prepared to be successful after high school.  Teachers were also concerned about the lack of support for these students.  In fact, 38% of teachers polled said that the lack of support from family members and friend is the single most likely reason students will not be prepared for a two or four year college.

The teachers identified 5 ways to address the challenges facing schools:

(1) Establishing clearer, tougher, academic standards that are common among all 50 states

74% of teachers say that clearer standards would make a strong or very strong impact on student achievement

(2) Using multiple measures to assess student performance

Ninety-two percent of teachers say ongoing in-classroom assessment is either very important or absolutely essential in measuring student performance

(3) Using innovation and creativity to reach today’s students

More than 90% of teachers say that differentiated assignments are absolutely essential for improving student achievement and engaging students in learning

(4) Creating a partnership and a bridge between school and home to raise student achievement.

Eight in 10 high school teachers (81%) attend after-school and weekend events of their students, and more than half (51%) of elementary school teachers are willing to have parent-teacher conferences at students’ homes

(5) Providing supportive leadership to teachers

When asked about teacher retention, nearly all teachers say that non-monetary rewards like supportive leadership and collaborative working environments are the most important factors to retaining good teachers

Teachers are right. They aren’t getting the support they need. So I would add to these 5 ways—the need to recognize great teachers for going above and beyond.

In a recent study called “The Widget Effect,” many teachers reveal that they feel interchangeable—the good teachers aren’t getting the benefits, compensation and praise they deserve and the less successful teachers are being lumped right on in with the successful ones.  The result? Our children suffer. Fewer good teachers stay. Fewer new teachers come into the trade. Less creativity is used—because, why bother? In a teacher’s eyes, nobody’s going to notice anyway. Mediocrity becomes inevitable.  Or even less than that. Passing.

“Unfortunately, it seems the field doesn’t have a clear view of what characterizes good teaching,” — Bill Gates, New York Times, On Building a Better Teacher

Is that really what we want for our kids? What is the answer????

What do you think the state of American schools is at this time? Are you happy with your children’s school situation or not?  Please feel free to comment here or go to my Facebook Fan page and comment there!

Anger Management Quotes:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned” (Buddha)

“Two things a man should never be angry at: what he can help, and what he cannot help.” (Thomas Fuller)

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” (Chinese Proverb)

“Anger blows out the lamp of the mind,” (Robert G. Ingersoll)

“Anyone can get angry but so few can express it and address it with character.” — Dr. Robyn Silveman

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right
degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way… that is not easy.
–Aristotle

The greatest remedy for anger is delay. –Seneca

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. –Will Rogers

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. –George Jean Nathan

In honor of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, it’s important to reflect on how we got ourselves into such a pickle in the first place.  I mean, during this week we are not just talking about those girls, women, boys, and men who have clinical eating disorders. We’re talking about the pervasive disordered eating that seems to be taking place in most households across the country—and in many countries around the world. Alas, it’s become “normal” to eat abnormally.

And it isn’t just about eating, is it? It’s also about talking. Fat talk is so much a part of our culture that the script is written.

“I’m so fat”

“No you’re not. I’m the fat one.”

It’s normal to talk abnormally about our bodies. To body bash. To body trash.  Yup. Normal.

And clothes? Well, that’s just gotten completely messed up. With models getting fired for being a size 4 and popular designers declaring that “nobody wants to see curvy women” and fashion is about “fantasy” but only if you can fit into the clothes, it leaves everyone striving for zero.  In a world where a size 4 is fat and fat is considered shameful, we all have a problem. We don’t even know what it means to feel OK with our bodies. We’re too focused on why our jeans don’t fit the way they do on the size 0 model.

As I’ve now talked to thousands of girls and women—and yes, some guys too, about how self esteem has somehow gotten so wrapped up with body appearance that the two are like conjoined twins that share vital connective tissue, I’m continually struck by how people weigh their worth. It’s become clear that there are many factors that have lent themselves to this decidedly complicated calculation that nevertheless, is being computed each day.

Dr. Robyn’s Body Net Worth Calculation

My Body’s “So-called” Net Worth=

What size I wear

(+) How much I’ve eaten

(+) the difference between my size and the size my friends wear

(+ or -) How fat/thin I think I look when I look in the mirror

(+ or -) What the important people in my life said about weight/size/looks

(+ or -) what media/models I’ve seen/absorbed today

(+ or -) what the unimportant people said or appear to have thought about how I look

(+ or -) the difference between what’s in/hot now and my body type’s ability to look good in it

(+ or -) what I weigh today as opposed to yesterday/last week/last year/when I was 16

(+) number of calories

(+ or -) amount of minutes on the treadmill/elliptical

(+ or -) where I am in my menstrual cycle

(+ ) the number of efforts I’ve made to get thinner recently (- the number times I’ve failed)

Yes, there may be more factors. But these are the ones I hear about the most. Isn’t that sad? What happened to self worth being made up of the amazing things we do, the people we affect, the love we feel, the contributions we make?

We’re nearing the end of National Eating Disorders Week. It’s time to separate these conjoined entities and allow our self worth to reflect the power, strength, character, and energy we bring to the table.

You are worthwhile. No calculation needed.

“Can you provide your thoughts on the trend we have been seeing with parents over scheduling their children, with an activity sometimes every night of the week. Is there a general agreement with child development specialists as to what is an appropriate number of activities by age?”

I get this question about children and over-scheduling quite often.  As children are all different, there is no easy, single answer to this question. Parents need to be sensitive to their own child and stay vigilant. Asking these questions can help:

(1) Does my child seem stressed?
(2) What does my child really WANT to do?
(3) If s/he takes on this activity, what must s/he give up? What will s/he gain? What is the goal?
(4) Is my child able to complete tasks required of him/her or that I find important (i.e. homework, chores, family time, religious training, etc)?
(5) Is my child able to do what s/he needs to do to stay healthy (i.e. play, sleep, relax, connect)?
(6) Before my child goes to this activity, how does s/he seem emotionally and physically?
(7) During this activity, is my child engaged, excited, focused or distracted, tired, or stressed?
(8) After my child goes to this activity, how does s/he seem emotionally and physically?
(9) When I ask my child if s/he feels s/he has enough time to do the things s/he wants to do and needs to do, what does s/he say?
(10) Does each activity fulfill him/her or empty him/her?

It’s not a competition. Remember, your children are supposed to enjoy their time in these activities.  They are supposed to learn something. If enjoyment and learning are being compromised by undue stress and exhaustion, these activities are more counterproductive than beneficial.

Some teens feel that they must be perfect at everything.  Perfect grades. Perfect clothes. Perfect body.  Perfectionism puts an enormous strain on a teen’s everyday life. Here’s the most recent clip of Dr. Robyn Silverman appearing as an Expert on The Tyra Show dealing with perfectionism and teens who are constantly striving to be perfect.

In this clip, you’ll get to experience Dr. Robyn coaching a teen struggling with perfectionism.

A National Study released by Girl Scouts of the USA tells us that 9 out of 10 girls say that the fashion industry is at least partially responsible for girls’ obsession with being skinny today.

In this nationwide study called “Beauty Redefined,” more than 1000 girls ages 13-17 were surveyed. Would you like to hear a recipe for low body esteem?

• 89% say that fashion/media puts a lot of pressure on girls to be thin.
• 3 out of 4 girls say fashion is very important to them.

Hmmmm. They feel the pressure of he media but also hold fashion and media in high regard– voila!

But media is just trying to make a buck, you say? But according to the girls…

• 81% of girls would like to see “real” images that are not digitally altered or enhanced.
• 75% say they would be MORE like to buy clothes they see on real-size models than on women who are super skinny.

But is it REALLY making a big impact?

• 42% of girls admit that they know someone their age that has thrown up after eating
• 37% say they know at least one person their age that has an eating disorder

Are we really going to allow the media and fashion to determine our girls’ self esteem? We could close our eyes and hope that it’ll just get better on its own– but we all know how that would work out.  I have to wonder why some of the European countries are making changes in the modeling/fashion world but America is just simply letting it run a muck. We clearly have the research. Where is the action???